For Better or For Worse

My parents eloped almost thirty years ago. They said their I Do's in a small, private ceremony with a Justice of the Peace, escaping the disapproval of family and friends that didn't support their interracial union. Although they separated some fifteen years later, I may have learned more about the true meaning of those sacred vows in their divorce than I can take from any number of happy marriages around me.

Though I haven't mentioned her much in this blog about my dad's visits, my mom is the invisible force that makes all of his travel possible. She goes about the business of purchasing his tickets, prepping his pills and suitcase, and even goes as far as taking him to the airport. I'd gamble to say most women don't put themselves out this much, if at all, for their former husbands.

My parents didn't have a messy divorce. There were no custody disputes or alimony arguments; we didn't even have to juggle visitation schedules since dad didn't move out. My mom sacrificed a lot to keep our family under one roof, and dad lived in the spare bedroom of our rented home. Just as in marriage, my parents may not have always gotten along in divorce; there was, however, always a shared thread of loving respect between them.

Irrespective of that fact, it was a scary time for my adolescent self; it was hard to wrap my brain around the "D" word and what that would really mean for all of us. I remember thinking, "Why did they even get married!?" and being angry with them for breaking that promise to be together forever. Even in my youth it was clear to me that my parents were opposites, shouldn't they have known it wouldn't last? Does real love even exist?

My mom's commitment to my father in sickness teaches me repeatedly, though, that the simple truth of the matter is that true love does exist; it often means more hard work and sacrifice than most people are willing to realize. It transcends romantic love, and even divorce. You can't just take someone out of your heart once you've given it to them. This fact reminds me to be cautious and to give my heart to friends and partners with care, because like my mother- when I love, it is forever. It's not a love that scares me, but it's a love that people should be worthy of. Giving all that you can is not only rewarding, it can be exhausting.

Dad says every day that I'm just like my mother; I know that the subtext of this statement is that I'm a pain in his ass (it often comes when I try to stop him from doing something I feel is bad for his health). My mom loves fiercely and unconditionally. This isn't a blind love; sometimes the people that mean the most to us will let us down or will need to hear some hard truths. But we keep them in our hearts nonetheless. If I'm capable of giving love like my mother, then growing up to be more and more like her is fine by me! I can only hope that at my wedding ceremony, when I say "... for better or for worse" I'll live up to that part of the bargain as well as she has.

Thank you, mom!